itch.io

I found two major bugs in the code:
1. During Ron's day 5, when you have to option to burn everything down, selecting not to burn it down instead jumps you back to an earlier point in the story.

2. The epilogue during the secret ending doesn't display properly.

Hi. I'm assuming that English isn't your first language, since the grammar is, unfortunately, quite bad and hard to understand. Perhaps you should get someone to take a look at it.

I noticed that Javier has 5 toes and everybody else has 4 toes. Is that like a common variation of furries in the universe where this takes place?

Such a romantic story. I hope that one day I can be as happy as Manny and Lobo are.

Just finished reading this, and while I don't want to say too much about it because of spoilers, I will say I enjoyed it very much. As a friend of your co-creator on this, I just wanted to say I appreciate the work that both of you do.

I found the text rather hard to read on the left side of the text box (i.e. where the text intersects with the hexagons). Perhaps you should change the text box or the text font to make it more readable.

Was Vlad doing a routine to Against All Odds by Phil Collins? Gotta say that's an unexpected musical choice.

An intriguing start. However, I would recommend either you or an editor tightening up the narration, i.e. the portions of the writing where no one is talking. Because I can see two major problems with it. First of all, you spend too much time describing the tiny details of every scene and that's not necessary.

This screenshot, for example, shows what I mean. You don't need to spend so much time describing what the room looks like. Instead, let the visuals do the job for you. That's the whole point of a visual novel. I'd recommend you cut out the details which aren't that important, or can be conveyed through visuals instead.

Which brings me to my second point, which is that you spend too much time describing little details and not enough time describing emotional states. For a story with so many moments of high emotion, the writing feels very flat, like you're just describing what's going on, instead of getting into the heads of the characters and letting the reader feel what they feel.

Still, despite these problems, which I think are easily fixable, I am interested to see where this story is going, so keep up the good work.

(Copied from my review of the VN. Apologies if you've already read this)

An intriguing start. The premise has a lot of mystery and the art is really nice. However, what really brings this VN down is the sheer repetitiveness of the writing. For example, there are so many conversations about the characters not remembering aspects of their past lives that I began to dread reading yet another instance of the phrase "I can't remember" or some variant thereof. A few times is fine, but you used it so many times that it deadens the impact. You should definitely consider cutting back on such repetition.

(Copied from my review of the VN. Apologies if you've already read this)

My impression of the first build is that it is long. It is very long. My friend calculated the word count as almost 100,000 words, which is already the length of a full novel. In and of itself, that's not a bad thing, but to set the majority of that time in exactly one room makes the VN unbearably slow-paced, especially when most of that time is spent in almost interminably long monologues of the main char continually asking, "Where am I? What's going to happen to me?" and repetitive character interactions (seriously, how many times must we read about Marruk being an asshole to the main char until the reader says, "Okay, Marruk is an asshole! We get it!"?). And after all of that, we still have no idea of what the main conflict of the story will be, so it feels as if nothing significant has happened yet.

If I had a suggestion, it's this: the length needs to be cut down drastically. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the VN would be twice as effective at only half the length. So what would I recommend cutting? Well, the monologues don't need to be as long and there don't need to be so many extraneous interactions with the other chars (did we, for example, need two different scenes where the main char describes his love of curry?). More specifically, cut anything out that isn't immediately relevant to the current situation. Information can always be revealed to the reader at a later point in the story. But it's not all bad though. All of the main chars have distinct personalities and clearly indicate that they have more depth to them than they are currently letting on, and that's intriguing. But without any sense of what the main conflict of the story will be, I'm not getting a sense of how each character will be uniquely suited to solving the problems that the main char may have. Still, after finally getting through the intro, I am interested in seeing how the main char's relationship with the char on the chosen path will develop. But if I have to tell people that they have to wade through an almost insufferably long, slow-paced intro before they get to the interesting parts, they're most likely going to conclude that it's not worth their time.